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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.